Shame...

I've been thinking about shame a lot lately, and the many different ways it is used to manipulate people. As a child I remember feeling deeply ashamed far various reasons like; saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or for being poor, or making a mistake, even just for being me it seemed like.

I remember vividly what that felt like, the huge lump in my stomach like a boulder, my heart beating fast and my face getting hot as the blood rushed to my head. Wishing I could craw out of my skin and hide under a rock. Hating myself.

As an adult I don't often still feel the overwhelming feelings of shame, but shame still sometimes subtly creeps up on me, judging me, trying to make me feel inferior or inadequate. Trying to dictate my action by manipulating my feelings.

I've noticed that for me there is a big difference between feeling guilty and feeling shame. Shame feels worse, it is demeaning and isolating. Guilt is like an urge to make things right, to make restitution and connect with the word in a positive way again, to realize a mistake and know you could have done things better.

The big question is why do we let people make us feel ashamed? Why do I have to throw away useful clothes just because they have a few tears or stains? If I see a perfectly good CD in the dumpster, why can't I pick it up and put it in my CD player? If I don't have $20 for a gift, do I/my kids have to stay home from the birthday party, or baby shower, etc...? Why should I feel bad for walking out of a movie/conversation/friendship that doesn't make me comfortable? If I'm having a really bad day and I just need to cry, why can't I just cry, even in the grocery store, or at the post office?

Who decided that we all have to be beautiful, and thin, and wealthy, perfectly composed, confident, submissive, and polite every second of every day? Who makes these rules?

I don't want to apologize or be embarrassed for being me. I don't want to sit and smile politely when I don't feel right about something. I don't want to try to demonstrate my worth all the time by what clothes I'm wearing or what car I drive, or how carelessly I spend my money.

I want to sing at the top of my lungs and not care who's listening, pick my dropped toast up off the ground and eat it anyway, express my opinion even when it isn't popular, say no when I want to say no. I want celebrate myself even if I'm not what everyone wants me to be! Want to join me?